[disjointed entry alert: sort of writing this one on assignment, as it may be] People have accused me of living in the past. This is simply not true — I just don't appreciate the present until it's become the past. I think it started when I was around 15. I have (had?) very few memories of childhood, so it makes sense that I can't really miss the past until there's enough of it at a distance to miss, and I'm old enough (self-aware) to actually notice it. Also, I'm not missing the past specifically: I have always missed the first time I felt any particular way. Well, maybe "miss" is the wrong word. I long for that moment when I recognise I am feeling a new (to me) emotion or noticing the way sensory inputs have aligned in a particularly sublime way. As my childhood was, er, abnormal, it's no real surprise I didn't really start to learn about and recognize emotions until I was in my pre-teens. I think the first time one of these moments occurred was when I was around 11, and I remember missing it within a few years. Since then, it's been at least one thing every year that gives me a sort of bittersweet, existential feeling.* I've catalogued all of these sensations of heightened self-awareness and I wish I could turn back the clock to feel them again...but not at the age I was when it happened, because I didn't actually appreciate the experience until a couple years later. I want to be myself at my current age as an omniscient observer of my internal dialogue at the time when I was breaking into new emotional territory. Oh, man, that sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? I should think about that for a minute. ... Ok, I'll stand by that, but maybe I need to realize that the way I live now, yearning for the experience of the new, has great value to me. This actually brings me to the main reason why I've embarked on writing this utterly self-serving blog entry. Only in the past year or so have I learned that I am not doomed to a life of longing for the past via its traces in the present.** I realized, like the genius that I am, that every year a couple new things happen. Taking it to another level, things have never stopped happening. Oh snap, that means they probably won't either. Now why might it be worth more for me not to notice how I've learned (important word) after a few years? This allows me to take the experience that has happened to introduce me to a new emotion and see how I have unconsciously learned from it (or not), seeing if I did well or if I need to make changes.*** If I was in tune with it at the time, I'd undoubtedly fuck it up and learn from it incorrectly. Another aspect of getting older is that I know that my first impressions of an experience are usually poor, so a relatively ingrained behavior of ignoring my first impressions is pretty advantageous to my personal growth. This is a complicated thing perhaps ready for another blog post in a few months, if I even feel like discussing publicly is something that merits doing. Although it is why I started this post... Yeah, I'll finish the thought. This may sound sorta like bullshit, but I'm trying to reconnect. See: childhood, awkwardness therein; further see: syndrome, Asperger's, my. Ahh, been a while since I dragged that old chestnut onto al-bloggariya, hasn't it?**** Well, it's been on my mind WAY more than usual lately. Don't get me wrong, I'm not about to suggest that the time has come for me to finally transcend that and join the regular folk. Ha, no, as if. Lately, though, I have been noticing that my natural inclinations have been preventing me from being the person I want to be, so I wish to add new traits and perhaps refine some that I already have, all while keeping my identity intact (that means you, Hans' handiwork). Changing? Keeping your identity intact? Sounds hard, some might say. Pish posh, I say. Change is for those who've made mistakes and don't like themselves, some say. Well, shit, they don't say that to me, because I don't know anyone who's a closed-minded fool who believes that it's a good idea to stand in the way of change (= progress, look it up, dammit). [see, I told you this would be pretty self-serving] * So, in a way, an existentially bittersweet feeling is one of the first emotions I became familiar with. No surprise I was a pretentious shit in high school, eh? ** Who grokked hauntology from the moment he heard of it? This guy, that's who. *** E.g.: 2003 was when I learned about jealousy. Yeah, I'd never felt it until then. Those were fun times; I'm sorta still trying to atone for them. **** I'll thank you for kindly refraining from informing me that it's been a while since I really dragged much of anything onto here.